I think this evening warrented an entry. I am just so mixed up. So tired of things being complicated, so tired of needing to find out things second hand and needing to have rumors fly for ages until you finally find out the truth. Tired of there being no such thing as truth anymore, or honesty. Just tell me I can't have your phone number because you're scared I'll give it to Claire. Don't tell me you don't hgave one, because I know you do. You trust Emily, and Erica, but not me. And it hurts. Because I know he lied.

Ok, my brother has been an ass to me for the past two weeks. Like, anal retentive, "I hate everyone and it's all their fault, never mine" for two weeks straight. I got my period yesterday, so I've got crazy terrible craps, but hey, I need to go to the city to do the Steuben day parade. So we do the parade, and we're on the bus back. So I'm leaning against Emmy because I'm terribly tired, and we start talking about him. And we try to sort things out. To no avail. So I decide to just do what I usually do and play it by ear. End morning.

So, I run home quick, take a shower, go online for around five minutes, then get back into costume and head back to the high school for the second thing of the day, the Germania park trip. Best trip all year, I swear. I finally decide to join the GFC band instead of being a dancer, because I am so sick of having no one to dance with. So we go and perform. It's me, Emmy, Erica, Frank and Bobby hanging out. Loads of fun. We eat, blah blah blah perform, blah blah blah. Anyway, the band comes back and we start dancing. Guys and girls pairing up and just having fun. Well, I ask Bobby to dance. He says yes. We danced. A lot. And he didn't dance with anyone but me. Which was really cool. But I have no idea if he was just being polite or what. So we go and get dessert, dance some more. Blah blah. While we were eating dessert, Frank and Bobby start planning what they are going to do that night after GFC was over. So they decide to invite Ksenia and Erica to go with them. And there's me, sitting right in the middle of the four of them, wondering if they would notice. Nope. Not at all. So we head back, I'm quite upset, but I got over it. So I'm talking to Bobby after he offered to carry the bells for me, (Which was really nice of him) about how I hate calling his home line because I'm so freaked out about calling too late, so I ask for his cell phone number. He says he doens't have one. Which is BS. Because I know for a fact that both Emmy and Erica have his number. And I hate it. I know he lied. But I cant't tell him. I want to just tell him to his face, "Hey, if you didn't want me to have your number, just tell me." Rather than knowing he lied. Because it hurts so much. That he can't trust me. Or won't. So we ride back to the high school. I don't talk at all on the way. To emotionally drained and upset. I guess I just shut down. So we leave, my brother saying goodbye to everyone. He says goodbye to Bobby and Frank and Erica and Ksenia, and we start to leave. Bobby says bye. I just wave a goodbye. No smile like I usually do. No witty goodbye. Nothing but a wave. Because it's too much for me to deal with at the moment. Simply too much.

So now I'm here. Crying. For the first time in years, I'm crying. Crying over something that I think I've finally reasoned is never going to happen. Might never happen. Because he doesn't want it, and it won't happen merely on dreams. I can't believe it. I'm crying over a broken heart, and he doesn't even know it's broken, or what I ever think about him liek I do, all the time. And I hate it. So much.

That fatal lie called love-
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